Not Gonna Lie
May 1, 2010
It has been an awfully rough six or seven months, whatever it’s been now. It was just in November that I lost a loved grandmother. Then my dad had and was treated for cancer in January. Now it’s May and last week, still in April, I lost another grandma.
It’s been hard, but there have been a lot of good things to carry through it all. It just doesn’t happen in such monumental post-worthy occasions, yeah?
So, things are good. My dad is fine. They caught the cancer by accident and therefore super early and he’s fine. I’m sad, but ok. I handle grief in weird ways so my friends probably think that I’m cracked out, but really, all is well.
And now the screaming tantrum-y child on my lap is demanding my attention. C’est la vie.
My Little Rock Star
March 7, 2010
Some Thoughts
February 27, 2010
I want a new blog layout. But I’m cheap and broke. And I want to design it myself. Again. But I also lack the coding skills necessary to code any layout I might eventually come up with. I just know how proud I felt after I designed this and got to see it live up here on the internet (thanks to a kind soul who coded it for me). I mean, I can alter code and all, but I can’t just come up with all willy-nilly.
I’ve actually been contemplating closing this place up and starting over again somewhere else. You all could come along, but just for the sake of a fresh start. Does that sound insane if I keep the same readers and the same everything except domain?
Having the Olympics in your hometown is a bit surreal. I go through my everyday life while less than 30 miles away Olympic athletes are strutting their stuff. It’s bizarre. And sometimes overwhelming, especially since I’m American (dur) living in Canada. My patriotism is confused. I don’t know who to cheer for.
I’m really struggling and working hard at getting my diabetes under control. I have to do this. For me. For Ana. Willpower sucks.
I’m looking for some good new tunes to listen to. And a good new snappy ringtone for my phone. Suggestions? I like a lot of indie rock, especially female artists like Lisa Hannigan, Lykke Li, and Neko Case. I need dance-ish (but not popular, please) music for a ringtone. It’s okay if it was popular five years ago.
I’m once again switching things up on the job front. My new, but full of lay-off situations, job is coming to an end. By my choice. I’m just tired of being “on-call.” And tired of being left to work the graveyard shift ALONE in the basement of a side building of a hospital that security barely patrols. Grrr. I have a new job that I start next month and this one might be a keeper. I’m really excited and ready to start it, even though it means daycare.
Ah, daycare. I found a woman who is a stay-at-home and she’s going to watch my little girl. I think I’m going to freak the eff out when I drop Ana off on the first day. ‘Cause yikes. A stranger. With my baby. Responsible for her. How in the world am I going to do this? How do people do this? Seriously.
This blog has been on my mind an awful lot lately. I feel bad that I don’t post, but I feel like I have absolutely nothing of consequence to say. I guess you guys don’t mind that much if I babble, no?
I’m doing the 3 Day Walk again. That’s right, folks. I’m walking 60 miles over 3 days and that means… you guessed it. Fundraising. I need to raise $2300 by September. You will see lots of posts in the coming weeks and months asking for donations, talking about my story, throwing around some fundraising ideas and… maybe even… another blog-off? It’s a possibility. If I can get my shitsnowski together between now and then.
One of my very best friends in the whole world is moving several states away from me and this move happens in just 36 (35 now?) days. I’m going to miss her so very very much.
I hate to end on an uneven number (even though I haven’t actually numbered the randomness), but it’s almost 1:30 in the morning and I am far more tired than I realized. Peace out, lovelies.
Oh My God Y’all
December 8, 2009
I just cleared my blog reader for the first time in, oh, I don’t know, FOUR MONTHS. That, my friends, is an accomplishment. Now can I keep up with it?
Ooooh, and guess what?? So I’ve posted before about the oh so awesome gifts that my husband gets at his company xmas party each year. I’m too lazy to find the posts and link to them, but in the past there’s been huge gift cards to Sears, a tv, another tv, and uhm, another tv. Oh, and a Sony Handycam. We always tend to win the tv. Not sure what’s up with that. ANYWHO. This year, they did the gift giving by seniority ranking and the higher seniority, the prettier the gift. I could not be more ecstatic with what Derek unwrapped this year. People, we now have a brand-new shiny 24″ flat screen iMac. Can you hear my squee-ing from where you are? ‘Cause it’s been two weeks and I don’t think I’ve stopped. So happy, so so so happy. Yay. Love it.
I’m keeping pretty busy these days between my two jobs (for example: I’m in the middle of an eight day work week here and one of those days was a 14 hour day including travel time). I’m trying to fit visiting my family while they’re in Seattle around Christmas-time in there somewhere and my pseudo-nephew’s third birthday party and all these other crazy social gatherings that I have this month…. gah, so busy.
I’m trying to read like a fiend to get some more books tallied before the end of the month. I keep getting distracted by the internet, though. Guess maybe I should go read now…? Okay. I’m going to go read.
Muah! Miss everybody and yay, I can comment on your blogs now because I’m all caught up!
What I’ve Been Up To
August 28, 2009
I sold my house.
I quit my job.
I’m five weeks from being homeless. (Not really, if we don’t have a place we’ll move in with my in-laws.)
We put an offer on a house. It’s a foreclosure. We won’t know for up to two weeks if we get it or not.
I’m waiting to hear back about a hospital call center job.
My daughter turned one.
I am slowly going insane.
Yeah, I think that’s about it.
How are you guys?
Please Name My Car
April 15, 2009
Cars are funny things. If you’re anything like me, you don’t get super-attached to your vehicle, but nevertheless, it plays a big role in your life. If your car is having a bad day, well, so are you. If your car is rocking, well, you’re probably having a pretty good time. In typing that last sentence, I meant it completely different than it came out, but that works too, I guess!
My first car was a 1983 Volkswagon Jetta. I liked it, it was alright. She was a pumpkin color and rattled a lot and didn’t last long enough to receive a name. I was in a hurry to move onto a vehicle that I’d like much better.
The Little Bugga That Could was fantastic. She was a 1973 Volkswagon SuperBeetle and we had some gooooood times together. She was a bit weak and hills were a bit of a workout for the old girl, but we chugga-chugged on through until rust damage and an unfortunately accident caused her untimely death.
Ol’ Smokey came next. This Mazda RX-7 from the 80′s was a lot of fun to ride in, but the guy who sold it to me wasn’t kidding when he told my dad and I that there were engine problems. I couldn’t drive more than a few miles without smoke starting to pour from underneath the hood.
My Pontiac Grand Am was probably one of my nicer vehicles actually, but I was young then and I hated that it wasn’t a “cool” car. I called her the Pontica Grand Ma.
My last car, the Focus, never had a name because I had no real attachment to it, but my current car – I loooove my current car. I’ve returned to my love of Volkswagon and have driven my pretty little Golf since July. It dawned on me the other day that my car has no name and this is just wrong.
Problem is? I can’t come up with anything good. So here. Help a sister out. Name my car, please? She’s a midnight blue VW Golf and she’s fun and she’s fast. Whatcha got for me?
Identity Crisis
April 4, 2009
One of the comments I got on my post a few posts ago was that I should talk more about myself. I kinda laughed when I read it because it’s true, I used to write a lot about me and what I was up to and my history and so on and so forth, but I haven’t – probably in the last year or more.
I started to think about it and I realized that it’s because I’m really struggling with figuring out who I am. I think this is pretty standard fare for the first year of motherhood, but that doesn’t make me feel any less isolated or unsure. I just really don’t know who COURTNEY is anymore. I’m a mom, sure. I’m a wife, yeah. I just don’t know what else I’m all about it. I know that a lot of that is because Ana is my entire life these days. I wake up when she does and I play with her until she naps. When she naps I work on my household chores (uhm, yeah, or play Bingo) and then take care of her again when she wakes. I change diapers every few hours and give food and/or bottles every few hours. I may be tired at ten in the evening, but if Ana doesn’t want to sleep until midnight, well, that’s how late I’m up. My life truly revolves around her. If I want to go out without her, I have to ask permission from my husband to make sure that he’s able to be home with her. I don’t think he realizes that. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I’m dependent on him being home in order to be able to leave without an armload of baby gear plus baby. But that’s not the point of this post.
My maternity leave is up in July and I’m really torn up about what I’m going to do. I’d like to be able to say that we can afford for me to stay home and take some online courses and get a degree in something, but realistically I think I need to find a job. I know that I don’t want to go back to collections and a call center. I just don’t. I also don’t want full-time work because I don’t want to be away from Ana that long. I don’t want to miss anything. The downside to that is that I really have no marketable skills. My options? Retail or waiting tables. Oh joy.
I’d like to go back to school, but I don’t even know what for. I’ve considered medical administration so I can do dictation from home. I’ve considered web design because I love making layouts, but don’t know enough code to put them together. I could also work from home doing design work. I’ve dreamt for forever of opening a small used bookstore, but the money to put together an inventory would take way more than anything I would ever earn. Especially since I live in a city that doesn’t really read a whole lot. I have another small business idea that I’d love to run with, but again – start up is far and above any sort of fundage that I can come up with.
I just don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know who I am and I feel like I’m still sitting here saying, “When I grow up…” But I’m almost thirty. I am grown up. Shouldn’t I know what I’m doing?
My ten year high school reunion is this year and I have to admit to being very relieved that I already have plans for that weekend. I don’t want all those people that I felt inferior to even then to see the nothing that I’ve become. Which is not to diminish my role as mother – I love Ana with every fiber of my being and I would never ever want to live another day without her. She is truly my greatest accomplishment in life. But. I didn’t graduate college. I never made a career. I never did anything.
I guess I just want to be more than mom and I don’t know who that girl is. I don’t know how to find me again.
Something New
March 30, 2009
I seem to have some problems with blogging consistency lately. How kind of you to say that you haven’t noticed, but really, its been an issue. It’s not that I don’t want to blog because I do. It’s not because I’m that busy because while I have been pretty active lately I always find time for the internet. I think my problem is that I want each blog post to be wrapped up in a pretty little bow with a subject, a beginning and a conclusion.
I am beginning to realize that you know what, this is a personal blog, not an essay competition and that really, I can fuck the format and do whatever the hell I want. That’s right. Whatever I want.
So I’m going to try something new and just write whatever the hell is on my mind at any given moment in the day and if that makes up an entry that is all over the board, well then, so be it.
For example: lately I’ve been finding myself really irritated by both Dove and Axe campaigns. I love Dove’s pro-woman campaign and I tend to pick up a lot of their products with that in mind. I have an extreme hatred for the Axe commercials that make women look like they can’t control themselves if a man smells good. Ridiculous. So imagine my annoyance when I realized that Dove and Axe are owned by the same company, Unilever. UGH. I think I’m done buying Dove products. I need to find out what other labels this company runs, too. I know they’re all out to make money, but to have such wildly contradicting messages really burns me. Especially when one is so empowering and awesome that is then totally negated by the one that makes women look like sex-crazed idiots.
Have I told you that Ana crawls now? She started crawling about eight weeks ago and now she’s standing up against furniture and taking baby steps along it. My goodness, she’s going to be walking by nine months. I am in T-R-O-U-B-L-E. My parents just spent the better part of last week with her and they kept repeating that over and over. She’s going to be a handful. She’s going to be a mover. She’s going to keep you on your toes. Oh yes, I know. I already know. She’s damn cute, though.
I have less than two weeks to go until I’m back to the dentist to have my other two wisdom teeth out and the stress is starting up again. This time though, I’m not as worried about the procedure (although I know that it will involve major suckage), but the aftermath. I hated not being able to eat. I hated wincing every time I swallowed and I hated the godawful pain every time I tried to take a sip of water. I’m such a baby. Can’t I just keep these two wisdom teeth? Really?
Do you know how anxious I am for summer to come? I just want it here. I want heat and sunshine and long days full of walks and playing at the park and taking day trips and camping. I’m so tired of this rain and snow and cold and wind and grey. It’s making me feel really blegh these days.
I think the universe is conspiring against me going to the gym tonight. I told myself that I was going to go before dinner. My husband and I were working on laundry and I started to get dressed to go about twenty minutes ago. Except that both of my pairs of workout pants are now in the dryer. By the time they’re done, it’s dinner time. My gym has crappy hours and closes at nine so I can’t go too late, either. Hmmm. To hell with it, my pants will be dry in an hour and I can just eat a really late dinner, I guess. I have to go to the gym.
I didn’t go to the gym. I’m such a slacker.
Oh! And dudes! It’s totally my four year blog anniversary today. Woot woot, go me, blogging for four years. I somehow never really thought I’d stick with it for this long. My posts may be few and far between (which I’m working to remedy), but I’m still here and still trucking. I thought I’d take this opportunity to snag a little survey from Cecily Uppercase Woman just to see what kind of responses I get. Please do take the time to answer a few questions even if you don’t usually comment! Feel free to use my email instead of leaving a public comment if you feel more comfortable with that. My email is courtney(dot)slavin(at)gmail(dot)com. Have at ‘er.
1. What do we have in common?
2. What DON’T we have in common?
3. How did you find my blog?
4. What do you enjoy about this blog, if anything?
5. Do you comment?
6. What do you wish I’d shut up about?
7. What do you wish I’d talk more about?
8. Where are you from?
9. What one question would you like me to answer? Be creative.
10. Do you have a blog? If so, plug it here!
Thanks and goodnight!
I Can’t Sleep, So This Is What You Get
November 21, 2008
Ah, it’s a damn good thing I didn’t try to do NaBloPoMo because dude, seriously, I’d have failed on day one. Kinda like I’m brutally failing NaNoWriMo. I’m supposed to have 50,000 words by midnight on November 30th. I currently have 2,000. That means that I’d have to write more than 7,000 words a day between now and the 30th and that includes an entire day in plane travel (I leave on Sunday to go visit my parents in Idaho), Thanksgiving, and two days spent driving from Boise to Eugene to pick up my stepsister from college. Somehow, I don’t see me hitting 50K.
There’s a police helicopter circling my neighborhood with its spotlight on. Oh, how I love living in the ghetto. Seriously. THE GHETTO.
Christmas is starting to annoy me. I think a lot of the fun has come out of it. I’m asked every year to give out Christmas lists and I get what’s on the list, but… there’s no surprise. My MIL this year has asked for a crock-pot and has even given us the brand name that she wants. That’s great, I don’t have any other ideas for what to get her, but what’s the fun in unwrapping a gift if you already know what it is? Meh.
I have a post in my drafts, an idea stolen from another blog, of 27 things to do before I turn 28. I’m kinda thinking that maybe just writing out 27 things will be a success at this point. I have NOTHING on the list. I also have a draft full of links, half of which are now irrelevant because I’ve taken so long to add to it and haven’t published it yet.
I posted a long long time ago about Wii Fit. I never posted that I finally got it about two months ago. Love it. Love love love it. My only gripe is that the exercises are so short. I’m hoping that they put out some aerobic games to use with the board. I’d so buy an entire game of step-aerobics or rhythmic boxing or hula hooping. Because seriously? I look like a jackass when I hula hoop, but I’m a jackass that is having a blast.
I should be reading right now. I’m still reading the same books that I was reading last time I posted about books and that was, erm, a long time ago. I’m a slacker.
I’ve had a lot of random thoughts through my head lately. Like, how long can a helicopter stay up in the air before they have to come down to gas up? What is the life span of a cow? I know. Random.
Do you watch Survivor? Did you see tonight’s episode? I’m not going to put any spoilers here, but no guaranteeing that there won’t be any in the comments. Holy awesome! I haven’t laughed that hard at a TV show in a long time. Best Survivor episode EVER.
I think maybe I shall try to go back to sleep now. Just because I’m up past midnight doesn’t mean that The Ana will sleep in later. Speaking of The Ana, she rolled over for the first time on Monday! Yahoo! I’ve copied Dooce and am writing her letters for each month, but I’m not posting them here. If you’re interested, you can check them out over here.
Th-th-that’s all folks.
Bittersweet
November 6, 2008
Yes, I am absolutely giddy that Obama won. It was such a surreal feeling. I was sitting in my living room in Canada, watching CNN with my husband, my sister-in-law and her fiance. The west coast closed up and whammo, Obama was President Elect.
All I could do was clasp my hands to my chest and say thank you. Finally we can see some change. Finally we have someone in office who seems to genuinely care about the future of this country and not just how to better himself. Will he screw up? Absolutely. Will he be better than the administration of the last eight years? Hell. Yes.
What saddens me is that America can take such huge strides forward in electing a black president, while at the same time taking such huge strides backwards in allowing discrimination and hate to continue. Prop 8 passed in California, effectively banning gay marriage. Same-sex marriage was also banned in Florida. Other states managed to pass laws against gay couples adopting children. Because no parent is better than two loving same-sex parents? Riiiight.
We have a long ways to go, but at least we made SOME progress in electing Barack Obama.
Here’s to the next four years, USA. Do me proud.