Lashing Out
June 16, 2010
For the last several hours I’ve been sitting on my couch and wondering how, and if, I should respond to the allegations that I was hit with today.
Part of me thought that I should just shrug it off and move on. A bigger part of me, the part that is writing this note, is hurt enough that I need to address this and I need to do it publicly so that I can move the hell on and away from it.
I found out today that because a portion of the funds that I have raised for my walk (about $1100 raised at an event a week or so ago) have not been posted to my fundraising website, that I must be pocketing the funds.
Wow.
I am so stunned that someone thinks that I would stoop so low as to pocket funds meant to go towards the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure. I don’t think that the person who thinks that knows me at all. What they’re accusing me of is of using my own mother’s death for my financial gain. My mother DIED because of breast cancer. I lost her and I can never EVER have her back, no matter how badly I might wish it. And trust me. I do. I miss her so much every single FUCKING day. I walk in this walk because it’s all that I feel like I can do to prevent someone else from going through what I went through. What my sister went through. What my dad went through.
I sit here and I’m heartbroken.
My beautiful husband, who did this fundraising on my behalf, has said that he feels as though the accusations are more towards him than towards me. To that, I say bullshit. Because this is MY cause. This is MY walk and this is MY fundraising. If you’re saying that Derek is pocketing the funds, you’re saying that *I’M* allowing that to happen and that I’m allowing that to happen under my pet charity’s name and in memory of my mother.
So to wrap up this angry and heartbroken rant, fuck you for presuming to know me and what I’m all about. Thank you for making me wonder which one of my friends is thinking that about me. Maybe next time you should take a moment and ask me what the situation is before you start talking with other people about my integrity.
I assure you that if you are making a donation towards me and the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure, that IS where the money is going. I’m sorry if anybody has ever made you feel that that’s in doubt. Please donate with confidence. I do this for my mom and I would never dare to dishonor her memory by using any donated funds to my own benefit. It makes me sick to even think it.
Year In Review. Sorta.
January 3, 2010
January - I had a cold. I tried to get some immigration stuff for my daughter done. (I never finished that, by the way. I should do that.) I got my heart trampled on. I got a confirmed diagnosis of type 2 diabetes.
February - I bought tickets to go to Mexico for a wedding. I reflected on my grandmother’s deterioration into dementia and alzheimer’s. Ana takes on solid foods.
March - I took on the dentist and I think I won. Maybe. Except he took my teeth so he probably actually wins. Damnit. I contemplated my weight and what I needed to do about it. I had my four-year blogiversary and my six year wedding anniversary.
April - I saw Britney Spears walk off the stage in Vancouver. I got really sick. I had more wisdom teeth pulled. I tried to name my car. No name has really stuck.
May - I had my first run-in with kidney stones. I went to Mexico and had a mostly good time and would have had a great time if my poor kid wasn’t so sick that I was scared I was going to have to take an emergency flight home the whole time. Oh, and I broke my toe in Mexico, too. The wedding in Mexico was gorgeous. A tax error was discovered and I suddenly owed the Canadian government 2K. A gas station attendant asked me if I was having a boy or a girl. Yeah. Not pregnant. May was not so fun.
June - I discovered World of Warcraft and have been hooked ever since. Wow, I think that’s all I did in June. No pun intended. (Get it? Wow. WoW. Haha. i’m so funny.)
July - The fourth with my girls! It was the best. I love spending the fourth with my friends at the lake. My girlfriend had her baby daughter and she was and is beautiful. I went back to work after my year off for maternity leave.
August - We sold our condo. I gave notice at my hated job without a new job lined up. The stress of that move! Sheesh! My daughter turned a year old. Holy bajeez, I have a one year old.
September - I started a new job that I was offered the day before my last day at the old one. Phew. Except that three weeks later they announced lay-offs. Say what? I was hired by my sister-in-law so now I have two jobs with limited hours. My grandmother was diagnosed with late stage cancer.
October - My car got broken into. My grandmother got put into the hospital with a very limited time to live. My daughter got really sick and scared me with a high fever, but it turned out she was just fine. My daughter was the cutest little ladybug for Halloween.
November - I actually started off NaNoWriMo doing awesome. I didn’t even come close to hitting 50K words, but I still feel proud of the almost 10K that I did write and I hope to continue writing more. My grandmother died.
December - Ah, my month of no posts. We got a new iMac. My dad was diagnosed with cancer. I’m freaking out. I’m freaking THE FUCK out, people. And if you know me on Facebook, don’t say anything there, I don’t think he’s told everybody yet… he has surgery in a few weeks to remove it… it looks like it’s all early stage stuff right now, it was caught on accident, but have I mentioned that I’m freaking the fuck out? My “main” job announced a second round of lay-offs.
Overall, I’m glad that I barely blogged because I don’t know how much more depressing this blog can get. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m scared. I just want 2010 to be better. It has to be better, right?
Saying Goodbye
November 8, 2009
I didn’t think I’d cry.
I was wrong.
I just got the call about twenty minutes ago that my grandmother passed away. She may have been my step-grandmother and she may not have come into my life until I was fourteen years old, but I loved her just the same.
I’ll miss you, Donna.
In A Thorn Bush
October 14, 2009
Dooce made a post recently comparing her life these days to a skiing story from when she was younger where she wound up face first in a thorn bush. Her life these days? In a thorn bush. I couldn’t even begin to come up with a better way to describe my own life right now. I’m in a thorn bush.
I hate for this blog to be all doom and gloom and whine and that’s probably why I haven’t been posting much. It’s really starting to feel like every single time I can start to pick myself up, I get knocked back down before I was ever able to dust off my behind from the first tumble.
This whole grandma being sick thing has me thrown for a loop because it’s unexpected. This isn’t the same grandmother that I posted about a while back. This is my stepmother’s mother and she’s been a part of my life for a good fourteen years. One day she was fine, then three weeks later she’s in her last month (if not week) of life. I just don’t get it.
And then to travel a few hours to go see her, spend the night at my sister’s place and to wake up to find my passenger window shattered? That was so not what I needed.
I’m just tired. I’m really tired of being hit when I’m down and I’m trying really hard to stay positive, but it’s hard. Even as I write this, the day after my car was broken into, I’m nursing my daughter’s fever. Her fever of 103. Because seriously, universe, the rest of this shit wasn’t enough?
Give me a break.
I’m really really hoping for some more upbeat positive posts to come. There ARE good things going on right now, it’s just really hard to find them and remember them with everything else. I’ll work on it for you guys.
Perhaps It’s Time For Another Update
October 13, 2009
So.
I bought a new house.
I moved into the new house.
I got a new job.
My new job announced budget cuts and lay-offs.
I’ve somehow managed to keep my new job, but with limited to no hours, so really, what’s the point? I don’t know, but I’m sticking this out.
I got a second new job to help fill in the gaps and make ends meet.
I found out my grandmother has cancer.
Two weeks ago she was put in the hospital because her lungs keep filling with fluid.
Three days ago she was given a week to two weeks to live.
I went down to visit grandmother.
My car got broken into and my gps navigation system was stolen.
It cost me twice the cost of the nav system to replace my shattered window.
That was this morning. Now I’m at home. And I’m tired. And I’m sad.
What I’ve Been Up To
August 28, 2009
I sold my house.
I quit my job.
I’m five weeks from being homeless. (Not really, if we don’t have a place we’ll move in with my in-laws.)
We put an offer on a house. It’s a foreclosure. We won’t know for up to two weeks if we get it or not.
I’m waiting to hear back about a hospital call center job.
My daughter turned one.
I am slowly going insane.
Yeah, I think that’s about it.
How are you guys?
What’s New, Peeps?
June 11, 2009
Once again, lost to the world of blogging. I’m tentatively considering an indefinite hiatus, but the thought of completely giving up on the site has me a little trembly, so who knows, I’ll probably wind up keeping it around for random posts once a month or so. Then again, I may change my mind and start posting every day again. Not that I’ve done that for years.
I think I’m just feeling a little under the weather lately and that’s my whole problem. I am going back to work next month and since I hated my job before I left to go on maternity leave… I’m really dreading returning to it. I’m hating hating hating the fact that I have to go back to work at all, but our financial situation is dire and makes the paycheck necessary - even if half of it will be going to daycare once my free childcare (aka Grandma) ends in September. Daycare. Gah. That word makes me angry. I hate the idea of daycare. I hate the idea of dropping my kid off to be taken care of by a virtual stranger five days a week. Hate hate hate. I’m really really bitter about this, but I don’t think that I have any other options. It’s killing me, people.
I’ve also completely lost myself to the World of Warcraft. Yup, that’s right. You can officially call me a gaming nerd now. I can’t help it. I start playing and before I know it, hours have passed. It’s SO much fun, though. If you play, you should leave your realm and character name in the comments. I’ll look you up. I have four toons already - what’s a few more?
I was really really getting stoked for a trip to New Mexico in October to go visit the hot air balloon festival, but, bummer bummer bummer, with our financial situation being as it is (read: dire) that trip is going by the wayside, I think. I’m still trying to find a way to make it happen, but… I just don’t think it’s going to work. Same with a trip I was hoping to make to Mexico (you know, to do vacation right sans child), but again… I think making the bills is a bit more important than a few piddly vacations. As much as it pains me.
So that’s my life in a nutshell these days. Baby, Warcraft, financial ruin and cancelled vacation plans. What’s up with all of y’all?
When Life Gives Me Lemons, It Tends To Give Them Via Papercuts
May 17, 2009
I swear to you all that there’s a very very good reason why I haven’t blogged in the last, oh, month and a bit. Pretty much April ended with a score of Life: 53,404 and Courtney: 0. Let me share (because if there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that misery loves company and damnit, I want to share my misery).
It all started a few days before my last post. I was all amped to go to the Britney Spears concert (oh hell yeah, I love me some Britney, laugh all you want). I woke up that morning sick as all hell. I ate very little that day, I felt lousy and then Britney walked off stage three songs into her set because “the smoke was too bad.” Right. She eventually came back on, but really, it was lame. I still love the songs, but I was disappointed in the show - I was expecting a much better performance from someone who doesn’t even have to actually sing.
The nasty cold stuck around for a few days and I regained my appetite on Saturday - just in time for me to have the wisdom teeth on the left side of my mouth removed. When I had the ones on my right side taken out, I was back to normal one week later. Not so much this time. I was barely able to eat even ten days after the fact.
Of course, on the tenth day after the wisdom teeth extraction, I wasn’t thinking too awfully much about the pain in my mouth because I was in the hospital with abdominal pain. I had woken up at 1:30 in the morning with horrid horrid pain in my back and left side. I was writhing and crying and I couldn’t seem to find a comfortable spot. I told Derek that I felt like I was in labor all over again. Derek thought I was faking it because I was writhing around so much. He didn’t see how or why I could be in that much pain. Eventually, when it still wasn’t easing off, we called an ambulance (so we didn’t have to wake Ana up) and off I went at 4:30 to the emergency room. At 9:30 I finally saw a doctor who sent me in for a CT Scan and confirmed that I had (dum dum dum) a kidney stone. Fantastic. He told me that I shouldn’t leave for Mexico as I was scheduled to five days later. Yeah. Right. Like I’m going to skip a freaking expensive vacation and my good friend’s wedding for pain that may or may not occur.
I probably should have stayed home from my “vacation,” but my kidney stone had nothing to do with and never made a reappearance. To this day I’ve stayed pain free in that regard. We left on Saturday as scheduled for Mexico. On Sunday, Ana was violently sick. On Monday she threw up. On Tuesday she threw up and had diarrhea and something Derek had eaten for dinner the night before didn’t agree with him and he was sick all day. On Wednesday she threw up and had nasty diapers. On Thursday we were blessed with no vomit, but were still stuck changing diapers on the hour and then I stubbed my toe (twice) and broke it. Yes, I broke my toe. That or bruised the bone, but in either case, my foot turned black and blue within hours. Friday had more vomit and with the exception of Sunday’s vomit-fest, it was the most we’d seen yet. Joy. The next day we went home.
I wish that I could tell you that the vacation-that-wasn’t was the last of my drama, but no, it was not to be. Last week I received a letter from the Canadian government telling me that my 2006 taxes were incorrect and that I now owed them all of my refund back, plus interest, plus late fees. That meant I owed them $2K. Oh, and by the way, they wanted it in two weeks. ARGH. Turns out, it was a mistake on our tax-preparer’s end and since he’s family, he just paid it and now we’re going to pay him back slowly so it’s not a total crisis, but still, that’s $2K that I would just rather have never had in the first place then something I have to try to come up with now. Gar.
Nope. It doesn’t end there.
Finally, two days ago, I was driving down to Seattle to go see Taylor Swift with my sister. (I’m not really such a teeny-bopper, I swear. These particular tickets were free.) I was thinking I was looking all sassy thinking that the only good thing to come out of the last few weeks was the weight loss from stress and/or not eating, when the gas station attendant asked me if I knew what I was having - a boy or a girl. I’m not pregnant.
And that, my friends, concludes my month ‘o shit. So forgive me for not having posted sooner. Now I’m just trying to put all of that behind me and move the fuck on. ‘Cause seriously? UGH.
Best Weight Loss Plan EVER
April 12, 2009
Step One: Wake up sick with a nasty cold and (very important) no appetite.
Step Two: Go to a concert (more about that later) with said cold and scream and holler despite your throat burning.
Step Three: Return home from aforementioned concert and proceed to cough so hard and so violently that you throw up not once, not even twice or thrice, but four times.
Step Four: Remain sick for two more days.
Step Five: Regain appetite approximately five minutes after having your two remaining wisdom teeth extracted (in a manner that has caused significant more pain the the preceding tooth extractions if you feel that info is important).
Step Six: Whine bitterly. And loudly. To anyone who will listen.
My poor husband.
Identity Crisis
April 4, 2009
One of the comments I got on my post a few posts ago was that I should talk more about myself. I kinda laughed when I read it because it’s true, I used to write a lot about me and what I was up to and my history and so on and so forth, but I haven’t - probably in the last year or more.
I started to think about it and I realized that it’s because I’m really struggling with figuring out who I am. I think this is pretty standard fare for the first year of motherhood, but that doesn’t make me feel any less isolated or unsure. I just really don’t know who COURTNEY is anymore. I’m a mom, sure. I’m a wife, yeah. I just don’t know what else I’m all about it. I know that a lot of that is because Ana is my entire life these days. I wake up when she does and I play with her until she naps. When she naps I work on my household chores (uhm, yeah, or play Bingo) and then take care of her again when she wakes. I change diapers every few hours and give food and/or bottles every few hours. I may be tired at ten in the evening, but if Ana doesn’t want to sleep until midnight, well, that’s how late I’m up. My life truly revolves around her. If I want to go out without her, I have to ask permission from my husband to make sure that he’s able to be home with her. I don’t think he realizes that. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I’m dependent on him being home in order to be able to leave without an armload of baby gear plus baby. But that’s not the point of this post.
My maternity leave is up in July and I’m really torn up about what I’m going to do. I’d like to be able to say that we can afford for me to stay home and take some online courses and get a degree in something, but realistically I think I need to find a job. I know that I don’t want to go back to collections and a call center. I just don’t. I also don’t want full-time work because I don’t want to be away from Ana that long. I don’t want to miss anything. The downside to that is that I really have no marketable skills. My options? Retail or waiting tables. Oh joy.
I’d like to go back to school, but I don’t even know what for. I’ve considered medical administration so I can do dictation from home. I’ve considered web design because I love making layouts, but don’t know enough code to put them together. I could also work from home doing design work. I’ve dreamt for forever of opening a small used bookstore, but the money to put together an inventory would take way more than anything I would ever earn. Especially since I live in a city that doesn’t really read a whole lot. I have another small business idea that I’d love to run with, but again - start up is far and above any sort of fundage that I can come up with.
I just don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know who I am and I feel like I’m still sitting here saying, “When I grow up…” But I’m almost thirty. I am grown up. Shouldn’t I know what I’m doing?
My ten year high school reunion is this year and I have to admit to being very relieved that I already have plans for that weekend. I don’t want all those people that I felt inferior to even then to see the nothing that I’ve become. Which is not to diminish my role as mother - I love Ana with every fiber of my being and I would never ever want to live another day without her. She is truly my greatest accomplishment in life. But. I didn’t graduate college. I never made a career. I never did anything.
I guess I just want to be more than mom and I don’t know who that girl is. I don’t know how to find me again.