Body Image
March 10, 2009
I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. I really have no reason to, but here I am all mopey. Is it possible to develop post-partum depression seven months after giving birth? No, no, I don’t think that’s what it is. I know what it is.
The problem is that I have zero self-confidence these days. Nada. I’m pretty used to this feeling, but for reasons that I’m getting to (eventually) it is worse than usual.
When I was younger, I was ridiculously skinny. I weighed 110 pounds and I wore a juniors size 5 jeans. Loosely. I was also a drama queen, but that’s neither here nor there.
Then I went to college and became another weighty college statistic. I gained a few pounds here and a few pounds there. I also made my male friends put on my dresses and then grabbed their man-boobs, but also, neither here nor there.
Next thing I knew I was getting married. My wedding day came and went and I looked back at the pictures and my first thought was that I hated them. I was so huge. How could I have gotten married when I looked so awful?
I wish I could say that my disgust with my wedding pictures was enough to convince me I needed to change my lifestyle, but, nope. It wasn’t. I just kept gaining more weight. Slowly enough that I didn’t really notice it until once again, in pictures, I couldn’t stand how I looked.
I know that this entry doesn’t require pictures, but maybe I need to shame myself into action. Nothing else seems to work. I was given a half-assed diagnosis of diabetes in 2004 and still I ate oodles of fast food, baked goods and carbs carbs, glorious carbs.
The first time that I began to take this weight/healthy eating/exercise thing seriously was when I found out that I was pregnant. This time it wasn’t just about me. It was about my baby.
I blossomed during my pregnancy. I loved being pregnant. I felt great, I think that I looked great and despite being pregnant, I was even LOSING weight. I gained two pounds throughout my entire pregnancy and walked out of the hospital twenty pounds lighter than when I found out that I was pregnant. I felt fantastic.
So what happened? Why wouldn’t I want to hang onto that amazing feeling? All I know is that I didn’t maintain myself. I’ve gained back ten of those lost twenty pounds. I feel miserable. I feel ugly. I feel disgusting. Worse even than all of that is that I officially have type 2 diabetes. I’ve known since January and I just… hate it. I hate that I couldn’t keep my weight down and the diagnosis from being official.
In just under two months I’m leaving for Mexico for a good friend’s wedding. It will be the first vacation that my husband and I have ever taken in six years of marriage. i wish I could get more amped for the trip. I wish that I was more excited. Unfortunately, all I can think of is my body and how much I am dreading the beaches and the pools and the horrors of bathing suits.
I’m lumpy. I have stretch marks that make me look like I’ve been mauled by a wild animal. I have bruises and marks on my thighs from something called Hydronitus Supportiva. My breasts are saggy and misshapen from nursing my daughter.
(I even just tried to find a picture to put here of me recently, but I don’t keep any that show really any part of my body, so, nothing to share.)
I don’t like going out. I don’t like having to find clothes that fit. I’m not happy.
So why can’t I do anything about it? Why won’t I stop eating the crap that I eat? Why won’t I get off of my ass and get into the gym a few days a week?
I’m so frustrated and disappointed with myself. Weak. Weak. Weak.
I want this girl back.
I know where you are. I wish I knew how to help you. All I know is that you have to do it for you and want to do it for you.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:47 pmWe must be on the same wavelength, Courtney, because as they say in the insurance commercial — I’M THERE. And try as I might, I’m finding a HUGE lack of motivation for doing anything about it, even though I know exactly what I should do and how to do it. I’ve done it before, I can do it again — why can’t I make myself do it? What is the X factor that’s telling my brain, “No, no…go ahead and eat that cookie. You know it’s bad, but…whatever.” or “Nah, too tired to grab the workout tape. Tomorrow, maybe.”
I KNOW ALL THIS SHIT, DAMMIT! Why can I be so smart and yet at the same time so stupid?
For the record, I’ve only known you after your marriage so have only seen the Courtney closer to what you are now, and I’ve always considered you attractive. I think it’s our plight — we know we’re attractive folk at our heart, we’re just wrapped in this comforter of fat that we can’t seem to shake, and if we could? Hold the presses, because, DAMN.
FWIW, I’m thinking of you and your plight, because it’s my plight, too. I can say that tonight, for the first time in MONTHS, I grabbed the BeachBody DVD and shoved it in and did a solid 14 minute workout. Nothing huge, certainly not where I should be, but I have to work up to it.
Once is a curiosity. Twice will be amusing. A regular occurrence — well, that might just dig me out. Here’s hoping.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:47 pmP.S. – At least when he dressed up in your dress, he got to grab your boob, too. Nice bennie.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:48 pmYou can do it, girl! It’s all about adding subtle life style changes. Around that time frame I was feeling pretty craptacular about myself too, mostly because I felt that I lost my Erinness and just became someone’s Mom. Lost my identity.
What worked for me was starting up my bellydancing again. There is something so soothing and fun about it, not to mention that while you dance you are building muscle in your abs, hips, and buns. It was fun reconnecting with my feminine side and taking back my life. Not that I don’t love being a mom, but there is more to me than just that and for a while I forgot or got sidetracked or something. Whatever the case, starting up bellydance really helped to get me mentally on track. Physically I’m about the same although I know I’ve built up muscle. The change is that now I feel sexy again. I feel pretty.
You just need to find something that you enjoy that also happens to help tone and build muscle otherwise I don’t know that you’ll stick with it. I don’t know anyone who enjoys running treadmills and I also don’t know anyone who does it on a routine basis. Most people tend to arc on diets and exercise strategies.
Perhaps if instead of drinking soda at work, you drink only water. You would already cut down some sugar right there. Or make a decision to only eat fast food as a family once a week. Or stock up healthier snacks while at work so you won’t raid the candy jar (this is my problem, oh my god. and I ran out of granola bars last week).
I dunno, just some suggestions of things that I’m doing to try to get healthier and stay that way.
You’ll get there, Courtney, I know it. =)
March 11th, 2009 at 7:33 amI can really relate to your feelings; I was that way 2 years ago. I never really lost weight until I finally managed to turn the key in my mind that my family was more important to me than my own personal desires…and if I wanted to be around for them, I’d have to take action. 50 lost pounds later, that realization still helps to keep me on track.
Lots of empathy,
Barbara
March 11th, 2009 at 10:53 amI wish I had magic words for you to help you out, but I’m in a somewhat similar boat myself. Since I moved to Portland 2 years ago, I’ve gained about 40 pounds o_O While I admit that I did need to gain a few, I most certainly did NOT need to gain 40. I look back at photos when I first moved here and then look down at me now and it makes me unhappy
Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to make myself do something about it yet either.
Barbara’s plan sounds pretty solid though; looking at it as wanting to be around for your family is likely to be a better motivator, and you HAVE a family to work for
Good luck /hugs
March 11th, 2009 at 11:14 amI hear ya. *not bragging, just saying* my weight is fine, if anything I’m too skinny, but as I’ve gotten older the things I used to take pride in – having nice nails, nice clothes, doing my hair and makeup, hell, just plucking my eybrows once in a while – has all gone the way of the Dodo. I hate it. What is wrong with me that I don’t want to take an interest in the way I look? I’m obsessed that my kids have nice clothes – not expensive clothes or even new clothes, just that their clothes are clean without stains and fit properly – but yet I run around in stained, torn and ratty looking clothes. Most of the time I’m not even sure if my hair is brushed or not. I want that girl back too. I want her back for you. I want her back for me.
Keep your chin up. Remember, you didn’t do this in a day, a month or a year – it isn’t going to go away that fast either.
March 11th, 2009 at 7:50 pmHey Courtney, Obviously it’s an issue we all deal with and struggle with quite a bit. Your post really hit home with me. I’ve been really down in the dumps lately- struggling with my weight, self-control issues, figuring out who I am anymore after becoming a mother. I laughed out loud (sorry) when you mentioned the post-partum thing because I’ve recently been wondering the same thing. What is wrong with me? I feel like being a mom to such a wonderful little dude should make me a happier person. And that makes me feel even worse.
Losing weight is such a personal battle. I think that you will eventually come to what will work for you. Food is a bittersweet thing- makes you feel wonderful one moment and terrible the next. It’s no wonder why we get trapped in the cycle. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Maybe try doing one little nice thing for yourself that doesn’t involve food or baby? Just a little treat for yourself might lift your spirits a bit- sounds like you need it.
Oh, I found this blog the other day and maybe you’d enjoy it-
http://www.wellgroundedlife.com/
I haven’t read all of it but thought the latest entries were thought-provoking.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:41 pmI don’t think you look bad in the pictures where you’re heavier, but what matters is how you feel about it. The bigger thing, I think, is the diabetes. If yours is entirely weight and diet-related, then you can get your blood sugar back to almost normal levels — and you have to do this because the consequences of not doing it are severe.
I think you told me you don’t cook much? When I started cooking more and eating out less, I dropped weight without trying. Cooking is kind of a nightmare when you first start, and then it becomes a lot of fun. (Later it becomes boring, but let’s not think about that part.)
March 12th, 2009 at 8:00 amI feel exactly the same and I haven’t even had a baby yet! I look at pictures of myself back when I was younger and wonder where that girl went. And then I remember, she was a girl. A girl with a much better metabolism than my in my thirties. So I will never look like that girl again, but I can make myself into the best looking thirtysomething out there. That is my goal. You will get there too!
March 14th, 2009 at 4:29 pmI feel exactly the same and I haven’t even had a baby yet! I look at pictures of myself back when I was younger and wonder where that girl went. And then I remember, she was a girl. A girl with a much better metabolism than me in my thirties. So I will never look like that girl again, but I can make myself into the best looking thirtysomething out there. That is my goal. You will get there too!
March 14th, 2009 at 4:29 pmYou have always been beautiful. ALWAYS. In thoughts and actions and in your physicality, throughout the years. You are lovely.
K
March 14th, 2009 at 5:52 pmI have yo-yo’ed the last few years – I gained so much weight after my second baby that I started feeling like you feel now – just sick of it all and wondering why I do this to myself. So I did the Atkins diet and lost 25 pounds, and felt and looked great. Then – slowly gained some back. Then lost some, then gained some. (when they call it yo-yo dieting, they aren’t kidding!)
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you hit a point where you are so sick of being a certain way that, in my case, drives you to do something about it. Fortunately I have Mexico to look forward to, (and you do too) and I’ve been eating better and exercising. It’s working. I find once I do well for a day, when temptation comes the next day, I think, “I can’t, because yesterday will be wasted,” and I keep on track every day thinking about how far I’ve come, and how I can’t give up now, can’t waste all the “work” I’ve done so far. Eventually I start recognizing what my weaknesses are and making alternatives – when the family orders pizza, I order hot wings. If I crave chocolate, I get the sugar-free kind. If I want pop, I get sugar-free Fresca…you get what I mean. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not craving so bad anymore.
I guess I’m trying to offer some suggestions on what works for me, but really what it boils down to is what Toni said – you have to do it for you. Good luck hun! You are beautiful in all those pictures!
March 14th, 2009 at 8:03 pmThere’s no reliable way to make people lose weight, and trying is more likely than not to make you gain it once the effort is over. Why not focus on being more healthy and fit? – that will give you rewards without hurting your health and your emotions.
It’s normal to put on weight as you age. It’s normal to put on weight as you have children. You’re beautiful just the way you are.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:28 pmCourtney, stop stealing my thoughts. It’s not nice. I need some for later.
But seriously, I know EXACTLY what you feel. I used to be healthy but quite a cute wee girl. But now, even when I lose weight, I still look completely different. Face more round. More swollen. Less….adorably cute and pretty and whatever? I look at old pictures of myself and think, “damn, look at me…I was hot”. But back then I thought I looked terrible. WTF?
I’m working right now on fixing my head and not my arse. I think if my head gets fixed my arse will follow. And since having squeaker I have hung on to those pounds. But in the last few months I’ve shed 16 of them. Awesome. Only, like, a million more to go. (which just proves to me that my head is still not fixed in regards to this topic)
March 21st, 2009 at 10:26 amps I meant to add, I think the hardest part is seeing people who knew me before I had children and got old and me projecting what I feel about me on to what they “must” be thinking. Ya know?
March 21st, 2009 at 10:31 amI am so there with you, friend. And for the record, your pictures are not as bad as I’m sure you think they are! But I’m the same way – there’s a reason I never change my Facebook picture. I can’t find a current one that I like.
I’ve been struggling to lose weight my entire life, and have rarely been successful. But I’m not giving up, and I’m determined to find something that works. And I know you will too – you definitely have the motivation.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:54 pm